My dear Mr. Dolan,
I have received numerous reports from neighbors and concerned passersby that your pet dog, Pludo, appears to be shockingly malnourished. In addition, some claim that the bizarre shape of his skull indicates that you have treated him in a manner consistent with the definition of “animal cruelty”. As self-appointed lord of the Tumblr PETA kingdoms, it is my duty & moral obligation to remove(read:
steal) Pludo from your home ASAP…
However, after careful consideration of your status as a universally-loved hero of the Proletariat and cultural icon, I have decided that no such action will be necessary. “IDGAF”, as they say. Please feel free to treat Pludo with as much sadistic cruelty and neglect as your blackened heart can muster.
P.S. kindly let me know if you would prefer I have the SWAT teams take you into custody(read:
CIA Black Site) instead. Optionally, I could send them in regardless of any charges brought up against(read: manufactured) you, if you feel your week has been lacking in excitement. I’m told there is no more exquisite a rush than that provided by a hail of bullets crackling at supersonic speeds past one’s head!
Most sincerely yours,